8 simple ways to get the most out of today
Rise and shine! Are you ready to take on the day? Let’s win.
Here are 8 ways you can.
Two words: Lucky Charms.
It’s breakfast, but it’s also marshmallows. What a paradox!
Better yet, it’s a paradox you can put in your mouth. So why not do that? Who’s going to stop you? Your conscience?
We both know nothing matters anymore. All norms and semblance of regular, civilized life have long since crashed and burned. So stuff those tiny freeze dried rainbows down your welcoming gullet with delicious impunity, you human pot of gold.
Listen to the worst music you love.
Spice Girls dance party in the kitchen? B*Witched wiggle-walk around the house? Backstreet Boys luncheon in the attic? Let’s do it. Everybody.
You might have forgotten, but armed insurrectionists tried to overthrow American democracy quite recently. There was a quasi-fascist President who, faced with a deadly pandemic, failed to make a vaccine plan. At one point, half the country was on fire. So crank it up, you stuck-in-the-nineties trash raccoon.
You heard me. Go make the day special, you crust-loving cheese hound.
Get your favorite toppings. All of them. If you find yourself thinking, “should I get mushrooms or should I get sausage?”, take a step back, consider the context of the shitty twelve months you’ve undeniably had, and get a pizza with mushrooms and sausage. Don’t blink, just pizza.
Will you regret it? Of course not. Not unless you have some kind of deep-rooted pizza-guilt issue. Don’t have pizza-guilt. Just have pizza.
Skip work and watch The Never-Ending Story.
Turn around — look at what you see. Is it a Zoom call? Then it’s time to re-examine your priorities.
Specifically, when was the last time you watched The Never-Ending Story?
There’s no time like the present. Carpe Atreyu. Falkor forward. Be Bastian.
Zoom can wait until tomorrow. Loop back and check in with your business colleagues then. The Childlike Empress would never tell you that work and politics need to be kept separate in the midst of a fascist uprising. And Artax won’t save himself.
Have you heard of ice cream?
Goddamn right, you have. And it’s time to make it happen.
There are several important schools of thought when it comes to ice cream. There are the fruit-lovers (wrong); there are the people who prefer the pristine simplicity of a well-made vanilla (wrong); there are people who want so many chocolatey, gooey mix-ins that the creamy substrate is in danger of collapsing inwards and forming a new black hole (correct).
Sure, part of your brain is wondering what Stephen Miller will be up to next. Kill it. Just numb that brain with as much ice cream as you can possibly handle, plus one more ice cream. You’ve got this.
Nothing can get you in the duvet fort. It sits alone in a bubble dimension, far away from the universe.
In the duvet fort you can contemplate life. You can meditate and feel the tensions of the world subside. You can stand up and walk around the house like the cuddliest Howl’s Moving Castle. You can eat peanut butter M&Ms. You can forget that millions and millions of Americans believe that Democrats are Satan-worshipping pedophiles who traffic in children via this one pizza joint in DC and also furniture sometimes. You can be whichever impervious plush mobile fort you want to be.
Go to the mall and scream and scream.
Sometimes you’ve just got to let it out. Nobody should really be at the mall, given how low our ICU capacity is in the midst of the pandemic, and also because of the new highly-contagious strains of coronavirus that are popping up all over the place, so there’s no need to worry about being embarrassed by having other people hear you. Anyone who does happen to be there will probably also be screaming, at least inwardly. So go for it!
Pump and dump GameStop stock.
Fuck it, right?